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Digital Diary: My on and off relationship with Catholicism


Ever since I was young, God and the church were ingrained in my life. My family would go to church every Sunday and pray together. Wherever I went the spirit of religion was always with me; from the rosary hanging off our car’s rear mirror to the gold baptism necklaces around our necks. 

It was not all bad when I was young, going to Sunday school with my friends was fun, playing around with them after mass ended was even more fun. I enjoyed the holidays as well, Christmas at my house was always a big celebration, a massive feast, loud Nigerian music and dancing. 

For a child the community the Church provided was the main draw. I never fully conceptualized the meaning of an omnipotent ‘all-loving’ God until I was older but even then I knew I didn’t believe like everyone else did. 


When Doubt and Distance Crept In

When I was around the age of 11 the illusion truly crumbled, up until that point I was aware that I was playing along to some extent. The Bible and how it was presented to me often felt like reading a book with moral endings telling how to be in life, I never knew that those around me treated it as fact. 

There were never any big moments that led to me drifting away from the Church, just small things I kept noticing that would not sit right with me that kept building up. For instance:

  • Whenever I had doubts, no one could ever give me concrete answers and instead tell me to have ‘faith’. 
  • How Catholics (especially during the time I went to Catholic school) kept feeling the need to push their religion on to others by saying things like: “Jesus loves you” or “We can guide you down the right path”. It always came off as judgemental to other people's lifestyles and beliefs, something that I never thought was right. 
  • Often their over-devotion to their faith came off as disingenuous and fake to me. Especially when most were hypocritical, judging others for their sins while continuing to have vices for example.
  • Their dislike for Queer people. I grew up sheltered from the idea of queerness. I didn't know about it until around 10/11, and once I learnt it never bothered me. I never understood why it was so bothersome to some of them.
  • Doctrine on how the Earth was created and things of that nature. 

These (and more) left me quite disillusioned and for a long time I couldn’t get behind the religion at ALL. However I had to keep up appearances so I kept going to church and praying, even getting communion and confirmed. 

Finding Meaning Again

To this day I’m still embarrassed to tell certain people that I’m Catholic, especially since I’m still very conflicted. Whenever I’m in a tense situation in life I always find myself looking to God again. I would thank for all he’s done for me and my loved ones and ask him for help through whatever I was struggling with. Afterwards I would feel comforted and then immediately guilty for all the times in the past that I questioned that same God. I think the reason I always go back is because it's almost like a safety blanket, when life gets too hard and you have nowhere to look, look to God. And in that aspect I greatly respect the religion. 


I have a constant struggle inside me, I connect with the faith aspects such as prayer, meditation, looking to Bible verses for help. But greatly disagree with the Church in general as an institution in what it often preaches and stands for. 

Even as I’m writing this I’m confused about my stance. Despite that, I know that every individual's faith, whether it be in the Catholic God or any other religious figure, is entirely between them and that God. After going through so much inner turmoil and guilt, I am starting to realize that God, whether real or not, knows my true beliefs. 

Despite that I still don’t think I would ever refer to myself as a Catholic because I think I’m at odds with that title. 

So I leave you all with the question: Can faith exist without full commitment to an institution?

<3 Jade

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