Digital Diary: When Life Feels Like a Blur

 

When Life Feels Like a Blur: College, Loneliness and the Fear of Change.

They say college is where you "find yourself." That it’s the best time of your life, where you make lifelong friends and unforgettable memories. But what if, instead of feeling alive, you feel like you’re just… existing?

Lately, I’ve felt like I’m watching my own life from the outside—going through the motions, saying the right things, but never truly feeling present.

I recently learnt about the term "Disassociation" which WebMD (yes, I know what an incredible source) describes as:

"an involuntary experience that occurs when you feel disconnected from yourself or your environment"

I am never one to self diagnose or recommend others to do so but I relate so much to the feeling and I'm sure others do too. I was aware of feelings of emptiness when I was first diagnosed with depression, however I've connected much more with the feeling of being disassociated from life. 

It feels as though I’m in the passenger seat of my mind, and something else takes control of me—going through the motions until I’m at home, where I can be somewhat alive again.

But even when I’m "home," life still doesn’t feel real. I thought this feeling of being un-tethered came from not having friends to talk to, but even when I try, most conversations are surface-level. A simple "Hey, how was your day?" but never anything deeper.

I tell myself it’s temporary, that I just need time. But how much time?

Loneliness in a Crowded Room

I’ve been here for so long that it should feel natural by now. But it doesn’t.

I wake up, go to class, do my assignments, and come back to my room. Repeat. The days blur together, and I can barely remember what I did yesterday, let alone last week.

Loneliness doesn’t always come from being physically alone—it’s the silence in crowded rooms, the weight in your chest when you realize no one really knows you.

I need someone who will force my entire life forward, because I won’t do it myself.

I used to think I was just waiting for the right moment. That one day, I’d wake up and suddenly want to put myself out there. But that moment never comes. 

Self-Sabotage and the Fear of Change

I’ve realized something uncomfortable: I might be standing in my own way.

I think it’s just me. I actively resist change. I am self-sabotaging.

There’s something terrifying about really trying—about putting yourself out there and risking failure. What if I try to change and nothing happens? What if I make the effort and still feel the same?

It’s easier to stay in the waiting room of life, telling myself I’ll start tomorrow. But tomorrow turns into next week, next semester, next year.

It feels like I’m going to be like this forever, because change and consistency are incredibly hard for me.

The scariest part of all this is the thought that maybe this is it. That I’ll never grow into the person I want to be. But then again… maybe I’m not the only one who feels this way.

So, if you’re reading this and you relate—even just a little—then maybe we’re not as alone as we think.

Maybe we can figure this out together.

Let me know

<3 Jade